Getting personal:
Writing your Personal Vows
Many couples like to exchange personal vows in addition to the legal vows mandated by Australian law. So, while there is no wiggle room for your legal vows in Australia, there are no rules as to how you should write your personal vows – that’s what makes them personal. But most people will only ever write personal vows once, so a little guidance might be useful.
Warm Up
Begin by reflecting on your relationship so far. Take something to write with and on and make a note of what got you to here, like
· What were your initial impressions when you first met your partner?
· When did you realise you were in love?
· What is it about your partner that you love most?
· How has your life changed since you met your partner?
· What made you decide that you wanted to get married?
· Have you navigated any difficult times together?
· What hopes do you have for your life together?
This doesn’t all have to end up in your vows, but it’s good source material to get you thinking.
Affirm:
Tell your partner why you love them. Remember to actually tell them that you love them!
Promise:
A vow is a solemn promise or an oath. What promise would you like to make to your partner?
It might be general, like “I promise to always support your dreams” or specific, like “I promise to watch all the Star Wars shows with you without pointing out the impossible aspects”.
Think of two or three promises you’d like to make to your partner. Think of 5 if you like, but that’s probably tops. You’ll need to honour all these for the rest of your life!
Imagine:
Let your partner know your hopes and dreams for your life together. They shouldn’t be a surprise by your wedding day, but it’s nice to say them out loud and reaffirm them.
Draft:
Condense those thoughts down to roughly 200-250 words. That’s about 2 – 3 minutes, which is plenty to have to deliver on an emotionally-charged day, in front of a crowd.
Make sure your vows sound like “you”. Don’t try to emulate your favourite writer or sound uncharacteristically grand. Your vows are a big deal, but they’re your big deal, so use language and tone that feels natural to you.
It’s okay to include humour, in fact it’s rather nice, but see above, vows are a sacred promise, so if you use humour, balance it with enough that is loving or sincere so that your vows sound like you take them seriously.
Practice:
The way we write for written text is different to the way we speak. You’ll be speaking your vows out loud, so you need to check they are fit for that purpose.
Your first draft might look perfect on paper, but try saying it out loud. Check you have enough breath to make it from one end to the other end of each sentence. Check there aren’t any tongue-twisters or words you struggle to say. Make appropriate adjustments.
On the Day
Even if you are a trained actor, don’t try to memorise your personal vows. Have them written and in front of you. Everyone’s emotions are heightened on their wedding day, and you are saying something deeply deeply meaningful to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You don’t want your brain to go to mush at the very moment you want to get it right, so don’t take the chance.
By the way, it’s good to have your vows written on something a little solid, like heavy card or in a vow binder. Your hands just might be trembling a little when it comes time to read your vows, and you don’t want rustling paper to distract you or your partner from your beautiful words.
Finally
I had an improv teacher once who would spend 20 minutes offering a particular point of view with great passion, and then finish by saying “and the opposite is also true”. Use what I’ve written if it’s helpful, but do your own thing if it’s not. It’s your day, your way, and I hope it’s the best day of your life.
