Planning your ceremony.
Congratulations; you’re getting married! I’m honoured you’re going to include me in your plans for your wedding ceremony and I’m looking forward to working with you to create a truly perfect day.
What follows is my Wedding Essentials Information Kit. It outlines the many choices available to you to personalise your wedding.
One of the reasons that more than ¾ of the marriages that take place in Australia do so under the guidance of an authorised civil celebrant is that such marriages offer almost infinite freedom to do what you want and in a way that is uniquely you. I say almost infinite because there are some critical elements of your marriage that we must attend to. These are what make it a marriage in law rather than, say a commitment ceremony. Both are beautiful events, but a marriage is also a legal event.
Your Ceremony
The first choice you get to make about your wedding ceremony is the overall style or feel of the day. You might want something simple and to-the-point, with just a handful of guests and a contemporary feel or you might want something that’s more traditional, with all the elements we associate with a wedding. Perhaps you want something that recognises and honours your cultural background(s) or maybe something that reflects your undying fandom for the Star Wars universe! They’re all possible, but having made your overarching thematic choice, you should aim for consistency in all the elements that make up your ceremony. The theme from Star Wars might be an awesome bridal march in one circumstance but just a little… odd, if you’re after more of a traditional feel. A beach wedding can be beautiful but beware of incorporating a dozen complicated wedding rituals while everyone is standing out in the hot sun - and have a good hard think about any ritual that involves trying to keep a candle alight on a windswept beach!
Also, I don’t want to turn up in a charcoal three-piece suit if you’re all wearing flowing white linen. I’ll try and look like I belong at your ceremony, without looking like I’m a part of the bridal party. To that end, we should talk about what everyone’s wearing on the day.
So, having selected your overall look and feel, there are some typical elements to a marriage ceremony, and three mandatory ones. Let’s break the ceremony down from go to whoa.
1. Housekeeping
This is a chance to get everyone prepared for the ceremony, to handle logistics like locating the toilets, share any rules of the venue being used, handle safety or evacuation issues as well as make clear your preferences around things like phones or photography or social media posting. If one or both of you are going to make a formal entry to the wedding venue, the Housekeeping section takes place just before your arrival. This allows me to gather everyone, so they are close enough to see and hear you during the ceremony.
2. The Processional
The stage is set, the guests are ready; all we need is you. The Processional is the moment one or both of you enter the venue. You look amazing, everyone tears up and an air of excitement about the ceremony is created.
Traditionally the Processional was when the bride walked down the aisle to her waiting groom. These days it can be one partner entering the venue or both partners entering together or you can skip the whole thing and just both be present at the beginning.
If you are having a Processional, you’ll need to think about the music you want to play while that happens, and how you want to choreograph it. I’ve provided a list of suggestions in another article, but don’t be limited by my ideas. The music plays a big part in setting the tone for your wedding. There’s a whole different vibe to walking in to Pachelbel’s Canon in D than there is to doing it with Etta James belting out her bluesy At Last or being piped in by a bagpiper resplendent in full kilt.
3. Welcome
Once the bridal party is gathered it’s time to welcome your guests. I’ll normally introduce myself, thank everyone for being here and if you like, give special thanks to or acknowledge someone in particular. This might be a relative or a friend who’s travelled a long way to be with you or who is fresh out of hospital or that kind of thing.
This is also where I can introduce any cultural traditions that you choose to include. If you’re after a simple Acknowledgement of Country, I can do that. If you are interested in including any other cultural welcomes that are important to you or your guests, I can work alongside someone of your choosing.
4. Giving Away
Traditionally, this is the moment when the father of the bride “gives away” his daughter to her groom. It was actually an exchange of “property” in the days where a wife was considered a “chattel”. Nowadays, it can take many forms, if indeed it’s included at all.
If you are going to include a Giving Away component to your ceremony, it is a lovely place to include members of your family or even special friends.
If one or both partners are being escorted into the venue, I could ask something traditional like:
“who gives this woman to be married to this man today?” | “I do”
Or I could ask for someone (like one or both sets of parents) to offer their blessing for the marriage, for instance:
“do you each give your full blessing for this union of your children today” | “we do”
Or, I could ask all of your guests to “give you away”, for example:
“Marriage is between two people, but it flourishes under the tender care of those friends and family who love them most. Do each of you here commit to supporting this marriage today and henceforth?” | “we do”
Or anything else you can think of that feels authentic for you.
5. Words About Marriage
At this point I’ll normally say something relatively short about the nature of marriage, about its significance, both romantically and in law. This helps settle you and your guests into the ceremony, and it gives you a moment to breath between your entrance and your vows.
This is the kind of thing I might say:
“Marriage represents an important legal transition in Australia, but it’s far more than that. A marriage between two people is a public declaration by them and before the people who matter most to them that their love is real and everlasting.
Marriage is an act of creation – a time when we officially bring together two families through the union of the couple. Marriage connects us, it opens up new possibilities for us to live greater lives together than we would ever live alone. Marriage also creates new demands on and responsibilities for us.
It is solemn and joyous, serious and yet filled with love. The love of the couple, their friends and their families.”
6. Reading(s)
If you choose, this is the moment when you could have a friend or family member read a poem, or a prayer or a passage from a text that encapsulates your thoughts about your marriage. You could even have a couple of readings if you like, but two is probably your limit in terms of keeping your guests engaged. What they really want to see is you two being married.
I’ll introduce the person doing the reading and invite them to move to the appropriate spot. Occasionally, I might do the reading if there’s no one amongst your guests who feels confident reading in front of a group. I’m delighted to do this if you wish but I reckon it feels more personal if it’s someone special to you.
I’ve provided a few examples of readings in another article, but they’re just starting points, not a definitive list. Once you’ve chosen the piece for the reading, we’ll talk through the copyright issues of using someone else’s work if required.
7. Your Story
As the story of your marriage unfolds before your guests, it’s nice to have a little back-story too. Before we move into the formal and legal parts of the ceremony, you might like me to say something about the way you came to be here today; things like how/when you met, first impressions of each other, how/when you knew you wanted to be together forever, significant moments (good and difficult) in your courtship or people who played a role in your romance. I know you know all this, but it’s possible not all your guests will know all the details and they generally love hearing it.
If I haven’t already, I’ll provide you with a questionnaire headed “It’s All About You Two”. This asks you for the information that you’d like to have included in your backstory. The questions aren’t mandatory or exhaustive; they’re just the ones most people seem to want to know about. I may fill in the questionnaire with you conversationally, but I recommended you have thought about the questions first and you’re welcome to simply complete it and return it to me if that’s easier than yet another meeting.
8. The Monitum
Monitum is an old Latin word meaning “warning”. I’m required by law to recite it in the following form as a reminder to you that what you are doing is entering into a legally binding contract and you should do so thoughtfully. It goes like this:
“I am duly authorised by law to solemnise marriages according to law.
Before you are joined in marriage in my presence and in the presence of these witnesses, I am to remind you of the solemn and binding nature of the relationship into which you are now about to enter.
Marriage, according to law in Australia, is the union of two people to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life.”
9. The Asking
This is the part where I ask you in turn whether you “take” each other to be your lawful wedded spouse, and you answer, “I do”. There’s no legal requirement for you to do this bit, but it’s so entrenched in our minds as being a part of a wedding ceremony that most people choose to. If you do, you can:
· select something from my sample scripts exactly as is,
· adapt something from my sample scripts, or
· write something from scratch so your asking is truly personal.
10. Legal Vows
Because this is a verbally executed contract in law, there’s no real wiggle room on the legal vows except for a few minor choices of wording. They go as follows, with choices shown in [brackets]:
“I call upon [or ”ask”] the persons [or “people”] here present
to witness that I [FULL LEGAL NAME],
take thee [or ”you”] [FULL LEGAL NAME]
to be my lawful wedded wife/husband [or “spouse”]”
The best way to do your vows is as a “call and response”, where I read a short section of the vow (as shown in the lines above) and you repeat exactly what I say. You can read them from a written card or recite them from memory, but they have to be word perfect, and given the typical nerves that happen in a wedding, call and response is just the safest way to go.
11. Personal Vows
So, this is where you do get to make a choice about vows. You don’t have to have any additional vows if you don’t want to. That’s your first choice. If you do decide you’d like to make a more personal vow to each other, this is where they usually go in the ceremony.
You can both exchange your personal vows after you have both exchanged your legal vows. As in,
· Partner 1 Legal Vow,
· Partner 2 Legal Vow,
· Partner 1 Personal Vow,
· Partner 2 Personal Vow
The other choice is that you can each offer your personal vow immediately after you’ve made your legal vow. As in,
· Partner 1 Legal Vow,
· Partner 1 Personal Vow,
· Partner 2 Legal Vow,
· Partner 2 Personal Vow.
12. Ring Exchange
Most couples exchange rings, but by no means all couples. Some couples exchange just one ring, and some don’t do rings at all. If you are going to do an exchange of rings, this is a typical place in the ceremony to do it. It feels like a very tangible extension to the vows you’ve just exchanged. It can also be another place to include your younger guests as ring bearers rather than the typical Best Man handling the rings.
13. Ritual(s)
The ring exchange is a form of ritual strongly associated with weddings. If you would like to include other forms of ritual in your ceremony, this is probably the moment. Rituals can be a lovely way to recognise your culture(s) or to involve friends and family in your wedding. In another article in my Resources page, I have provided a list of common wedding ceremony rituals as a starting point for you, but you are free to do anything that feels significant to you and I’ll work with you to incorporate it seamlessly into the ceremony.
14. Pronouncement and The Kiss
Having done all the legal and symbolic things to bring you together as a couple, this is the moment where, if you wish, I can officially pronounce you as married and invite you to kiss. Or we can skip it; it’s your choice, but let’s be honest, everyone loves The Kiss. After all the focus on getting the vows right and the rituals right, this is often a moment of joyous release for you in the ceremony. You can’t get it wrong, and hopefully you’ve already had a bit of practice anyway!
You will need to think about how you’d like to be pronounced. I could say “I now pronounce you”:
· “Husband and Wife” / “Husband & Husband” /“Wife & Wife” or
· “Partners in life” or
· “Legally married”
· Something else you choose – although not too zany; it’s not a legal statement, but it is a serious statement.
15. Signing
Having done all the talking, we now need to do the paperwork. We’ll need to each sign three documents; the two certificates of marriage and the ceremonial certificate, and your two witnesses will need to do their bit here too.
Usually I’ll give some form of instruction to your guests about what to do while we’re signing everything. We’ll play some music (that’s another choice you have to make) and the photographer will normally want in on the act here too, to get some beautiful shots of you signing your marriage certificate.
Just while we’re talking about the signing, one of the documents we’ll sign is your commemorative Commonwealth Marriage Certificate. The certificate is yours to take home. It’s a one-off and can’t be replaced, and you may want to think about handing it to someone reliable immediately after the ceremony so they can look after it while you mingle with your guests and disappear for photographs.
16. Presentation
Once you’ve actually signed your marriage documents and had them witnessed, I’ll offer my congratulations and, if you like I can formally present you. We’ll just need to decide how you’d like to be introduced. It can be the traditional Mr & Mrs X, or Mr X & Ms Y, or Mr X & Mr Y, or “the happy couple” or… well you get the picture; this is your chance to signal to your friends and family how you’d like to be known to them as a couple from now on.
17. Recessional
Traditionally, this is where you formally leave the venue as a married couple. Today, it can still be a formal march up the aisle again, or just an informal mingling with guests. It’s a useful part of your ceremony, because it signals to your guests that we’re done and that you’re now available for everyone to rush to congratulate you, tell you how amazing you look and how much they loved your ceremony or apologise that their baby cried throughout the whole thing! Get ready for a lot of selfies.
Music is an important component of your recessional, so you might want to look at the separate article I’ve written as inspiration for selecting your special closing number.
In Summary
So, there it is. That’s a wedding ceremony. At its simplest, it will have:
· A Welcome
· The Monitum
· Your Legal Vows
· Signing the Register/Certificate
· A Closing
But it can also be a highly personalised ceremony with a lot of moving parts. That’s the benefit of working with a Civil Celebrant – you make (most) of the choices. Below is a list of choices you will need to make.
A List of Things to Think About
If you are going for the whole shebang, you’ll need to think about, then let me know about:
· The overall vibe of your wedding
· Thoughts about housekeeping, like photos or not, social media posting or not.
· Choreography for your Processional – just one partner, both partners, no Processional?
· Anyone special you want acknowledged by me in my welcome
· Any cultural rituals of welcome you want included and who will be conducting them
· Who and how either of you will be “given away”
· Readings to be used and who will read them
· What you’d like me to say about you as a couple in your backstory
· Your choice of script for the asking
· Any (allowable) modifications to the legal vows
· Your choice of script for your personal vows and when in relation to your legal vows you’d like to say them.
· What if any marriage rituals you’ll incorporate, who will participate and what specific supplies or suppliers you have arranged
· Who will be receiving a ring and who will hold or bear the rings
· How you’d like to be pronounced and whether you’d like to kiss
· Your two adult witnesses for the certificates
· Any instructions for guests about what happens while you’re signing, or immediately after the ceremony
· How you’d like to be presented to your family and friends
· Choreography for your Recessional
· Music Choices for
o The Processional
o The Signing
o The Recessional
· Who will be responsible for cueing up and playing the music. You are welcome to use my PA system for this, but you’ll need to ensure you’ve got a legal copy of each piece of music.
I’ve got a checklist for all the above, and I’ll walk you through each question at varying stages of our preparation.
